Triangle (2009)

Dir: Christopher Smith

This film sucks more balls than opening up the airlock on an in-flight billiards tournament. Melissa George and her vapid friends disappear into some kind of paradoxical void presumably caused by their complete lack of charisma but it’s never really explained. There’s a boat involved. Actually, no, there’s a very poorly rendered CGI sea and some dire sets made to look occasionally like a boat. There’s a nod to the fact that director Christopher Smith has, at some point, watched films like “Donnie Darko” and deluded himself into thinking he could do something similar. There’s a graceless aesthetic (washed-out colours, shutter-speed fuckery) and a lot of derivative gimmickry. Even excusing the fact that the plot doesn’t make a lick of sense when you think about it, Smith doesn’t try to temper his nonsense with anything distracting like, say, characterisation. This is strictly one for those who thought his first movie, "Creep", was too challenging for them. It'll pass their time pleasantly while they’re recovering from the DIY brain surgery.